Maybe this has been the case for a while now, possibly 3 years or more long-term.  Or even less time than this.  Whatever the period, it is likely that you are feeling genuine concern about your marital or relationship problems and how they might be affecting your family.  Family, marital and long term relationship difficulties are problems that increasing numbers of people are looking for help with and some clients have shared a perspective of having absolutely no idea that their partner was so unhappy:

“I though eveything was fine, we’ve been together for x years, we have a family, we have enjoyed nice holidays, meals out, socialising with our friends………..……and then my partner dropped a bombshell…….saying he/she had been unhappy for a long time………………I had no idea and my world was shattered in that moment……………I felt uprooted, lost……………I didn’t know what to do or where to turn for help.”

This typical scenario helps to highlight a communication issue in many relationships that is very common – in which partners do not “say or do” what they really want to say or do.  Instead they “say or do” what they think their partner wants them to say or do, which means that their own needs and wants are constantly undermined.  Several years down the line, this situation often becomes unbearable for a person who is “compromising” him or herself, to the extent that he or she believes a break-up is the answer.  If only it were this simple.  It rarely is because this compromising behaviour pattern will probably have a negative outcome on the next relationship……………..and the next………………and the next.  So at the heart of this matter of relationship strife, is “having your needs and wants met.”  Yes, of course, we also need to attend to our partner’s needs and those of our family, but people who lose themselves in caring for others very well are fundamentally fooling themselves if they believe they are happy.  We humans are all the same in that we “want and need” things in everyday life but we vary greatly on our skills in having this happen for ourselves.  

If you are reading this and feeling curious about your own relationship or marital problems, a good first step might be to reflect upon YOURSELF rather than anyone else.  Sit down with a large piece of paper and make a list of what you want and what you need right now in your life, however small or large.  Then, next to each item, write down the ways in which YOU put effort into making this happen for yourself.  Maybe like tons of other people around, you have been subjugating your own needs and wants under a stockpile of seemingly endless requests you feel you attract from others.  Well STOP IT right now and start focusing on YOU and even this very small change of direction, may start to do wonders for your sense of relationship disharmony.

For further help, contact The Hove Counselling Practice.