The former First Lady, Michelle Obama, has spokenly openly about the difficulties experienced within her marriage to Barack originating from differing preconceived ideas about love, relationships and marriage. In the article below, she refers to the impact relationship counselling and therapy has had on helping her to understand these differences, recognise the role she plays in her own happiness and learn how to ask for help, both from her partner and generally.

Nov. 12 (UPI) — Michelle Obama says marriage counseling taught her to “love differently.”

The former first lady said in an interview with Oprah Winfrey for the December issue of Elle that she explored happiness and vulnerability during couple’s therapy early in her marriage to her husband, former president Barack Obama.

“When you get married and have kids, your whole plan, once again, gets upended. Especially if you get married to somebody who has a career that swallows up everything, which is what politics is,” Michelle told Winfrey. “So there was work we had to do as a couple.”

“It was about me exploring my sense of happiness,” she said of counseling. “What clicked in me was that I need support and I need some from him. But I needed to figure out how to build my life in a way that works for me.”

Michelle said therapy helped her to express her feelings of vulnerability and sadness to Barack. Part of the couple’s disconnect stemmed from their differing ideas about physical distance and love.

“I always thought love was up close. Love is the dinner table, love is consistency, it is presence,” she said. “So I had to share my vulnerability and also learn to love differently. It was an important part of my journey of becoming. Understanding how to become us.”

Michelle and Barack married in October 1992 and are parents to two daughters, 20-year-old Malia and 17-year-old Sasha. Michelle went public about a past miscarriage and her experience with marriage counseling in an interview with Good Morning America last week.

“Marriage counseling, for us, was one of those ways we learned how to talk out our differences,” the former first lady said. “What I learned about myself was that my happiness was up to me. I started working out more and started asking for help, not only from him but from other people.”

“I know too many young couples who struggle and think that somehow something is wrong with them,” she added. “I want them to know Michelle and Barack Obama — who have a phenomenal marriage and who love each other — we work on our marriage and we get help with our marriage when we need it.”

Michelle Obama details marriage counseling with Barack Obama – UPI.com

But should couples or relationship counselling only be sought when the relationship is under strain or if either or both individuals within the relationship need help? Evidently not. Research has shown that couples counselling can be effective even before relationship difficulties appear. In the article below four primary reasons are cited as to why it can be helpful to seek therapy even when things are going well with your partner or spouse.

Vicki Gunvalson and Steve Lodge are off to pre-marital counseling, but it’s not what you think…

Even if you have 99 problems and your relationship isn’t one, it doesn’t mean that turning to couples therapy is a bad idea, especially if you want to keep your relationship flowing down a healthy and happy path. The idea of sitting in front of a stranger, no matter how professional they are or how many psychology degrees they have hanging on their wall, can be a scary thing to commit to doing, especially when you’re unsure what you’ll even talk about with them and your partner.

On an episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County, Vicki Gunvalson convinced her boyfriend, Steve Lodge, to go to counseling, even though the couple is not having any issues.

Turns out, she’s not alone — and this approach makes sense for many couples. Here are four reasons you should consider seeing a therapist together even if there’s nothing inherently wrong with your relationship.

Dr. Dori Gatter, a psychotherapist and relationship expert, noted that we all communicate differently, and when we get into a relationship we have this unconscious belief that our partner should communicate like us  — and if they don’t, then we get upset.

“This causes countless arguments and can lead to deeper hurts and resentments,” said Dr. Gatter. “We tend to communicate our feelings and needs through complaining, which immediately puts our partner on the defensive and we are off to a fight. Counseling can help you understand your own communication and love language as well as your partner’s so that you can accept the differences and not interpret their actions or inactions as a sign of trouble.”

If you’re feeling like your relationship, while good and easy, is getting boring, perhaps counseling can help things feel fresh and new again. (Note: Steve and Vicki are defintely not having this problem.)

Michael J. Salas, a sex and relationship therapist, said it doesn’t take long for a relationship to lose its elements of mystery and intrigue.

“People get busy in their day-to-day lives, and unfortunately they start to live on assumptions to save time,” Salas explained. “Couples therapy can help people break down assumptions and learn more about their partner’s underlying stories. This often rekindles a sense of that intrigue, which can also rekindle that spark.”

Figuring out how to grow and change with your partner can be tough, and it gets even tougher when things like kids, moves, or big moments come into play.

Dr. Gatter said that oftentimes we get into relationships with our conscious and unconscious beliefs about what role we should play in the relationship as well as our expectations of ourselves and our partner.

“We usually don’t talk about these conscious or unconscious beliefs before committing, and then when your partner isn’t fulfilling the role you expected, you might feel hurt, angry, [or] frustrated,” Dr. Gatter sais. “We all have these expectations based on how we were raised and what we were taught. We need to go to counseling to negotiate these roles and figure out our needs and how to work as a team.”

A lot of what can shake up our relationship is when our own personal baggage comes into play.

Dr. Gatter said we bring our past experiences, good and bad, into the relationship and project them onto our partner.

“When an old wound gets triggered, we then believe that our partner is wounding us which is not true,” Dr. Gatter explained. “The truth is that they are touching or triggering the old wound that is already there. This is a good thing as the old wound needs to come out to be healed. If a couple knows how to do this, it can be a bonding experience. If a couple does not know this, it can break the relationship.”

When To Go To Couples Counseling: Before A Problem Says Vicki Gunvalson | Personal Space

Couples counselling can therefore help couples communicate more effectively and convey their individual needs and wants more clearly. It can help prevent the relationship from become stale and boring, avoid long term relationship problems, empower the couple to work with the expectations each partner brings to the relationship, and enable both individuals within the relationship to grow emotionally.