If you find yourself in the midst of a relationship that seems overwhelmed with difficulties, struggles, issues or conflict, that feels like it is “going downhill” or nearing “breakdown,” life will probably have become miserable with a sense of foreboding and anxiety that affects you everyday.  You may feel as if your problems engulf you and prevent you from functioning as the person you really are.  If this is resonating with you, it may help you to find some distance so that you can spend some time exploring recent events or aspects of your own or your partner’s lives that may be impacting.  The following steps may provide some initial guidance for you in doing this:

Arrange some time away from your relationship whether this is an hour, an afternoon, a day or a weekend.  Make sure that you can be alone for at least an hour.

Make sure you are as relaxed as you can be in the moment by focusing on your breathing, to allow your mind to settle in as neutral a place as possible.  You may try concentrating on the temperature of the air you breathe in and out for example or if you are standing, try balancing on one leg and then the other as you also focus on your breathe.  Do an exercise like this for at least 5-10 minutes, to ensure that your body and mind are becoming relaxed.

Imagine your life in 5 years time and make notes or draw on a piece of paper to illustrate what it is that you would LIKE to have happen in the future.  Allow yourself to feel free of all constraints as you do this, don’t allow anything to hold you back – this is your imagination where anything is possible.

Ask yourself how your partner might fit into your future plan and draw up a list of ways in which you might collaborate and clash.

Now reflect upon your existing relationship problems and under separate headings of YOU and your PARTNER, draw up a list of the ways in which you feel blocked from moving forwards.  Try to be honest about the role you play in your relationship issues as well as illuminating those you attribute to your partner.

At this point, reflect upon the next step.  Perhaps you might arrange to speak with your partner in a neutral venue away from home, to share personal insights you’ve gained from this exercise.  Perhaps this may highlight how perspective may enhance the health of your relationship, allowing you to identify potential problems that you may resolve with your partner rather than allowing them to destabilise your relationship.

All relationships require effective communication which partners often need to learn together.  Good communication is not always easy and when you fall in love with someone, often you think this is a prerequisite for a harmonious lifestyle.  Invariably it is not!  What is likely however, is that as you become increasingly familiar with each other overtime, relaxing and taking greater risks within the relationship, it is probable that your views and opinions will begin to “clash” and that you may start to “fall out.”  Without life experience of working through conflict successfully in other environments in your life, this is where problems may begin to develop where individuals become aggressive instead of assertive or avoidant instead of open.  Whatever your particular relationship difficulties are, it is reasonable to assume communication styles are underpinning many of your problems. 

For help in understanding this further, contact the Hove Counselling Practice for relationship support and counselling help on 01273 917732.