When The Spark Has Gone
“This is a problem that I don’t want to face because I really do love you and couldn’t bear to upset you in any way. If I told you the truth about my feelings, I imagine this would hurt you and so I avoid the truth, the truth that there isn’t much of a spark between us anymore.
And I know this because we only have sex every now and then, as if it’s a duty on birthdays or anniversaries. And we always do it with the light off, in a quick way, as if it’s a little gesture we both want to get over as quickly as possible. But we still care about each other, say “love you, goodnight” afterwards……..
And yes, the problem is I can’t tell you how I really feel and I don’t know if you’re feeling the same. I’m not sure I want to know this either because then I’m frightened at the prospect of what’s going to happen to us. Would this be the end, would we be over…..
When I think like this, I just start crying, I don’t want to lose you and yet I don’t know what to do about the physical stuff….I miss feeling the rush of good sex, I miss the way my body used to feel, how I used to feel, how I used to take care of myself and make a real effort around you.
I just don’t feel like bothering anymore, I feel stuck. I don’t want this but I’m scared of talking about it with you…”
If this is resonating with you in your relationship, then you may find this article informative and it may even inspire you to make some changes to enhance the sexual aspect of your relationship.
Falling In And Out Of Love
We fall in love for a limited amount of time and brain chemistry can attest to this. If you’re lucky, you can have a number of years of passionate, effortless sexual relating, as “in-love” body chemistry flows freely. But alas, this state is not enduring and will eventually fade into a form of relating that is more “comfortable” with a sense of easy togetherness. While partners may feel secure and “enjoy” each other’s company, they may feel increasingly less “desire” for each other and sexual attraction may start to wane. So what may they expect next, is this the beginning of the end…
The Changing Nature Of Sex
What if we looked objectively at sexual behaviour at different times in a relationship instead. Does it necessarily have to be the same as it was at the start to be considered “good.” Could there be sense in considering how early “effortless sex” might evolve over time into sex that takes on a different nature – more sophisticated sex perhaps, requiring forethought, time and individual effort. Where couples have been used to the heady spontaneous physical interaction at the beginning of their relationship, it is understandable that they may be expecting this to continue and when sexual interest starts to falter, they may naturally wonder what is wrong and doubt their physical connection with each other. What may in fact be “wrong” is the expectation that early “sex” is a benchmark for “good” sex. Early in-love behaviour is typically highly tolerant and forgiving, as individuals are almost “magnetised” by each other. But over the course of time, things generally start to change. As partners become more confident in their “bond of love”, they may naturally start to tire of early sexual activity. They may begin to seek a deeper connection through sex as well as in other areas of personal communication.
Interpersonal Communication May Need To Change
In my experience as a couples therapist, I would say that problems with emotional intimacy typically begin to show up at this stage of a relationship. In the absence of “early sex chemicals”, it is really important that partners can relate well with each other on both a verbal and emotional level. Difficulties in either of these aspects of relating will have an adverse effect on physical intimacy of all kinds.
If you are interested in improving the sexual aspect of your relationship, then couples therapy may help you explore how your interpersonal communication may need to change. Please get in touch or book a session to find out more.
